Column, originally published in the Times Education Supplement 7 March 2014<\/p>\n
\u2018How would you like to take an assembly\u2019, asked my head, the day after I took over the reigns as chair of the school governing body.\u00a0 \u2018Your predecessor, the Vicar, used to do them quite often\u2019.<\/p>\n
A shiver ran down my spine.\u00a0 I am comfortable chairing meetings and have delivered lectures to halls of several hundred adults without so much as a butterfly.\u00a0 Yet the thought of standing in front of 250 junior-school pupils filled me with dread.\u00a0 Considering it better to keep my weaknesses under my hat, at least for the moment, though, I replied with emphatic enthusiasm. Privately, I wondered whether the eventuality could be indefinitely postponed?<\/p>\n
That was a mistake.\u00a0 Within days a member of the school\u2019s \u2018leadership team\u2019 was on the phone to suggest an \u2018inspiring talk\u2019 about my \u2018exciting professional life as a journalist\u2019.\u00a0 It would be an \u2018enormous boost for the school\u2019, they predicted.\u00a0 The local MP had been in the previous week, someone from the town\u2019s football club a couple of months before, and county\u2019s police chief had all but promised an appearance next term.<\/p>\n
To my horror, a date was fixed.<\/p>\n
Pondering what to actually say, I realised that the truth was useless.\u00a0 My daily routine, at that point, placed me squarely behind a desk.\u00a0 Much of my time was spent on the phone, commissioning work from colleagues; during the remainder, I processed articles as they were submitted and checked page layouts.\u00a0 A motivational talk crafted from my working life had the entertainment potential of a paint-drying contest.\u00a0 So, I followed that most vital journalistic adage \u2013 it takes imagination to fill an empty page.<\/p>\n
Thinking back over a 25-year career I cobbled together sufficient highlights to fashion into a YouTube-length review.\u00a0 I had interviewed a couple of senior politicians, reported on a disaster and even attended Madonna\u2019s wedding, in my time.\u00a0 All of that I worked up into what I hoped was a vivid, if misleading, tableaux of my life as a reporter.<\/p>\n
Cometh the day, I was terrified\u00a0that the kids sniff fear and see through my confection.\u00a0 It was a nightmare intensified as the head welcomed me to the front of the hall, enthusiastically talking up my credentials as I approached.\u00a0 \u2018Children, today we are joined by a very, very important person \u2013 in fact he is my boss\u2019, the head intoned with theatrical gusto.\u00a0 Several more lines of hyperbolic praise followed, as cold sweat soaked my shirt.<\/p>\n
And then, to my great surprise, I found myself in front of a rapt audience \u2013 a roomful of intent eyes boring into me.\u00a0 I told my tales \u2013 burbling a bit, no doubt \u2013 but the children could not get enough.\u00a0 When eventually I ran out of steam, their questions came in a torrent.\u00a0 Had I met One Direction?\u00a0 Could I obtain the autographs of any famous footballers?\u00a0 And had I ever hacked anyone\u2019s phone?\u00a0 (No, on all three counts, in case you are interested.)<\/p>\n
Afterwards in the staff room, I struggled to recover my composure. \u00a0 \u2018That wasn\u2019t a challenge for you was it\u2019, inquired one quizzical member of the school\u2019s senior staff?\u00a0 I was too frazzled to respond.\u00a0 To fill the conversational hiatus, my interrogator started to relate how terrifying he found it speaking to adult audiences.\u00a0 He conspired to avoid ever having to do so, he told me \u2013 despite spending his working life at the front of a classroom delivering what I knew to be acclaimed lessons.<\/p>\n
Are there morals to this story?\u00a0 Perhaps.\u00a0\u00a0 Although it will be a while before I volunteer for another assembly, at least I know that there are worse fates than addressing a school hall.\u00a0 And despite the sangfroid that teachers usually display when I watch them at work, I realise that I am not the only one who is occasionally consumed with irrational fears.\u00a0 Love or loath your school governing body,\u00a0 it provides an opportunity for all concerned to work outside their comfort zones – a useful, if incidental benefit to all those meetings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Column, originally published in the Times Education Supplement 7 March 2014 \u2018How would you like to take an assembly\u2019, asked my head, the day after I took over the reigns as chair of the school governing body.\u00a0 \u2018Your predecessor, the …<\/p>\n